The day of the assessment finally arrived.

“If you talk to him, you will see what a completely sane man he is” said John.

Tom sat perfectly relaxed while the two psychiatrists asked him questions.

“What will you do when you leave here, will you get a job?”

“Well, I will think about it,” replied Tom.

“Perhaps I will write a book or I may take up painting again”. He paused and smiled to them.

“But on the other hand, I might simply continue to be a teapot!” he added.

The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”

“Take jewelry to city and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“Don’t know, has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $5000 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Put in tepee.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.

“Don’t know deposit.”

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The elderly man leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s
act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”

The Mama Mole got up and stuck her head out of the mole-hole and said, “Mmm…. I smell butter!”

The Baby Mole wanted to smell for himself, but he was much too short, but he took a whiff anyway and said, “Mmm…. I smell molasses!”

(The Newsreader): There is a sense of incoherent anger. People are angry, but they can’t explain why.

“Hello Sir, Why are you here today?”
“I’m here to protest, right…
“Cuz I’m goin’ on a march cuz I want Britain to be about British.
“I want BRITAIN to be about British.
“The interracial laws…the Muslamic Infidel…
“They are trying to get their laws over our country,
“And it’s… it’s happening…it’s happening in every countries… like… like… you’ve got, you’ve got the Iraqi law that they put, they put down in… in London

“Like ??? in London today, but they trinna put the Iraqi law on on down London..
“They just trying to put down their law down on all
“And we can’t stand for that”

(The Reporter) : Which Iraqi law is this?

“It’s the Muslim, Muslamic law…
“They’ve got… they’ve got their… they’ve got their law obviously is their law init?
“Like there is no one… you can’t do anything about that…
“But we’re just want to stop Muslamic
“You’ve got Muslamic rape gangs (Ray Guns) nowadays…
“It’s 15 year olds getting raped and everything…
“It… it just can’t happen…
“That’s why all these people are there – all these people around us – that’s why they are there…
(The Reporter) “Thank you very much”

Original:

Autotune Remix:

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000″. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant.”

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not be able to come in today as I’m too sick.”

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
“well, just how sick are you?”

“Well” the employee sighed, “I’m in bed with my sister!”

The New Secretary

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”

Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!”

A Drop in Salary
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m going too!!” he replied.

“Why?” She asked.

“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as “little bells” on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of “pepper spray” in case of an encounter with an alligator. It’s also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ‘em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one’s amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” — Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!