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Sneezing Quivers

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few minutes later, the man asks the woman if she is okay.

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Blonde Flight!

One afternoon, a blonde is riding coach on an airplane on its way to San Francisco. Half way into the flight she stands up, takes her belongings, and moves up to first class. The flight attendant approaches her and tells her that she has a coach ticket, and that she must move back. The blonde replies with "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, so I'm sitting in first class"

The flight attendant gets irritated and talks to her superior. He himself tries to make the woman move, but all she will say is "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, so I'm sitting in first class." Unwilling to argue further with the woman, the flight attendants go into the cockpit to speak with the pilots. The co-pilot turns to the pilot and says "Its okay, my wife is blonde, I can take care of this."

The co-pilot walks into first class, whispers something to the blonde and she immediately moves to coach. Astonished, the flight attendants inquire about the whisper. The Co-pilot replies with "Its simple. I just told her that first class wasn't going to San Francisco."

Built Like a Baby

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.

Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry, honey," he said.

She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

Cheaper Than A Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."  

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.  

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. 

Scooby Dooby Dooby (or, how to enlarge your bust)

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'" 

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked. She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock

Welcome to the Church (Props to Tom K.)

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." 

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. 

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" 

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." 

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. 

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." 

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. 

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" 

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. 

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor. 

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.  When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." 

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. 

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either." 

Don't Speak

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!"

I Like Monkeys (Props to Dave P.)

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. 

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. 

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. 

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. 

I don't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. 

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. 

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. 

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. 

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. 

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable.  I had to extinguish the fire. 

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. 

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. 

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. 

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals. 

I like monkeys. 

The Big Boyfriend (Rated 'R')

A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. he goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!"

The embarrassed woman sais, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you don't leave me alone I will go get him!"

"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!"

After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!"

The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!"

"Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"

A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"

"Well..... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in trouble!!"

The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up, gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves.

"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching for his ax handle.

"And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!" The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and continues to read his paper.

The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man.

"Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!".

A Guy's Sex Life "Featuring the Monkey!" (Rated 'PG-13')

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"  The donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Two Dwarfs (Rated 'PG-13')

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!" 

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